A Dearth of Heroics

was just rapping last night with Kristia and she asked me if I ever speak to my mother (who passed in january 2008).  well, yes and no.  i rarely speak outloud to her. but i sometimes feel a tangible connection with my ancestors.  its odd.

well i told her that i rap with my mother through my music. that much of it was what she put me on to.  that’s from musicals, to mozart, to jimi hendrix, to bernstein.

what i didn’t mention was how i had a dream about my mother a few months back.  in it we were at a party in some big room.  and it was my mother when she was much younger but she had the knowledge of my mother in her last days (like Alia of the Knife in Dune).  and she was so happy that i was doing music.  she told me i was doing the right thing.  and to keep at it.  and to celebrate how good my music was she starting dancing around the room, playing guitar, and singing purple haze.  well, yesterday, on a strange impulse, i bought a record player at J&R Music World.  just needed to hear all my dormant, ignored records.  on impulse i pulled out “Are You Experienced?” and only today i found out that this was my mother’s record.  i thought i’d bought it at a yard sale — but this is one that i pilfered off her shelf.  on the back it reads (in her handwriting):

P. Hollie Holman

meaning she got this record in college when she lived in a dorm with another Patricia and so, to alleviate confusion, she went by the moniker: P. Holly.

amazing.

—-

Hey Ma — I feel you and hear you today.  We’re listening to Jimi this afternoon.  like you wanted.  feels melancholy, lonely, and strange without you.  Your birthday is in a few days.  i know.  i remember.  will always remember.  more than i will remember other things.  “let them eat cake,” you used to say.  and so we will.  in tribute to you, mom.  thank you.  for everything.